A cure or remission?

Identifying words sometimes makes me feel secure. There was a point in my life where it was just really crucial for me to sincerely understand what a single word really means. The weight that it carries. Even it's burdens or simplicities.

A cure is the end of a medical condition; the substance or procedure that ends the medical condition, such as a medication, a surgical operation, a change in lifestyle, or even a philosophical mindset that helps end a person's suffering. It may also refer to the state of being healed, or cured.

A remission is a temporary end to the medical signs and symptoms of an incurable disease.



^{I thought that never talking about certain things that I went through in my life and about things that I felt, would all magically disappear if I really put my mind to it. This actually made matters worse. My past found a way to get through me in my dreams, through my interactions with people and my relationships. I couldn't erase it and I never talked about it with anyone. I have many reasons why that is so, I think the most anticipated and logical reasons were and are still because I was afraid of being misunderstood, felt sorry for, or accused of being an attention seeker. At a point in my life it actually felt like my past didn't exist and never did.} 
Growing up and learning new things, learning new words to be exact was a bitter slap in the face that I did not want for myself. And of course I am referring to negative words, like... insecurity, trauma, molestation, broken personality, resentment, inferior, superior, hate, delusional, pathetic, rage, anger, abuse, violence, suicide... the lists goes on.
Learning and most importantly understanding these new words made me very uncomfortable. My feelings are kind of mixed with this subject. Sure they enlightened me but they also made me realize things I didn't want to... but I had to.
I think at first I was in denial, then the years went by, things got harder and I just had to accept it. I had to accept things that did happen to me in actual time and space. I had to look myself in the mirror and say, "Yes, Kela this happened to you. It shouldn't have but it did. Yes, you did witness that you shouldn't have but u did."

When no one my age understood these words like I did it made me feel very alienated. If I am going to keep the promise to myself of not holding anything back, then it didn't just make me feel alienated.... but a lesser being than everyone else. I could tell from the way other kids acted. How they weren't afraid to speak their minds, how they weren't afraid to just talk with others and just expressing themselves in general. They were all just genuinely happy.
 I was always in my corner, making up my own world. I still remember the day when I was home and my mother slowly and stupidly approached me and said " I want you to be more social this years at school, your teachers are concerned." My jaw just dropped. But my issues with my mother aren't the case right now.
At a point I tried to read a lot about negative subjects filled with the negative words that I hated so much and hated a lot more to have to acknowledge their existence. Then the denial phase happens again. And it's a never ending cycle. 
Denial-nightmares-deep thinking- acceptance-tears-fear-reclusiveness-Denial.

I don't think it's unhealthy that I just want to forget about things of my past. I have the right to burry it if I desire. But why does it keep coming back?
Things get worse when I have to deal with people and emotions (mine and theirs). I guess it's because the ugliness of my past inside me starts to show along with my own complications.
 In conclusion my past is un-burriable. It will always have a big part in my life and controlling it will be a battle that I will have to do forever. (until I snap and kill myself hahahaha)
My past can disappear sometimes, but only sometimes. Often it comes back in one strong blow and usually it's there in small parts but I feel it pulsing, breathing and strengthening itself.
No I am not cured, even after the struggle of having to accept what has happened to me. And not trying to sound pessimistic but I am talking through experience, I don't think there is a cure. 
In my good days my past will just be in remission.

     

Simplicity

Simplicity…

I breathe in the cold air

I see the waves of thoughts in my head

Nights like these are just so rare

My blood, hot, beautiful and red

I was meant to sit here ad cry

It was all meant to be,

Tall towers, abandoned and rusty

I’m all alone

Waiting for my time.

"I think the blue eyed girl knows too much"

Blue snow surrounds.
The dance of frozen ghosts in the air.
No one else is around.
Nothing is heard.
But the mutter of soldiers in uniforms.
She studies them with her sound eyes.
Not the type of girl who believes in unicorns.
Offers cigarettes and lights one herself
Should not have turned her back.
Dragged to the doctor, at least he calls himself a doctor.
-"My how lovely you are...
"I bet you just love dolls and shooting stars"
He should not have turned his back.
She blinds him with boiling water
"For all the children you have helped slaughter!" 
She escapes to the unknown.
Meets a little unicorn.
NO!!!!!! Not a unicorn!!! they don't exist!
She meets a pony.
-"My what a lovely girl but just so corny"
-"Come and join me on my journey"


A little boy dressed in rags
Promises her and many other children freedom,
in never never land
He is the real world's Peter pan.
He leads them to a small hole in the ground
-"All you gotta do is believe and dive in".
And surely they all do, but not she.
she just watches,
the one who doesn't believe in unicorns.
She knows
They all fall to their demise
She cant't stop them no matter how hard she tries
No never never land is at the end of that hole 
-"God damn it!!!!!I don't  believe in fairys or trolls."
Still it hurts. 
It hurts to know.

A soldier's pain

Called for duty once more.

 “May this be the last.”

Nostalgia.

Carries with him the scars of his life.

Never a peaceful sleep.

The pain ... so dangerous. Things he still remembers ever since he was  boy.

Memories of years that are not erasable with time nor by the many false announcements of love.

But he is happy.

He holds on to his faith.

Sometimes he smiles to the world.

He notices how beautiful the sky looks when the sun sets.

He notices how the gentle waves touch the shore.

“Allah is beautiful.”

“Please grant me my wish. I am done with this world”

The years go by and many battles pass. He still lives.

He is angry- “My troops die instead of me. Why couldn’t I have stepped on that mine? Why did the bullets miss me and hit my comrade instead? I would trade places with them, you know I would. They want to live, I DON’T! this isn’t fair!

Confused.

“All I ask is that you take me, why push me to do it myself?

Please grant me my wish"

He weeps, feeling unheard.

to be continued...

Truth

 Well hello. I am not a psychologist nor did I ever really study it, in fact I failed psychology once at high school. You know why? Cause it never really made sense to me. But let’s define psychology shall we.

 Psychology is the study of the mind, occurring partly via the study of behavior.[1][2] Grounded in scientific method,[1][2] psychology has the immediate goal of understanding individuals and groups by both establishing general principles and researching specific cases,[3][4] and for many it ultimately aims to benefit society.

Bare in mind the last sentence.

Here are some key words that I remember from my classes: Social behavior, Freud (and how he was such a pervert relating everything to sex who’s only cases were really middle class white women and who never really had a psychological problem of his own,), some kind of pyramid regarding what we as human beings need to process “stuff” Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, some rat experiments (that believe it or not were applied for humans as “behavioral facts”), autistic children (bless all of them), stages of falling asleep, deviance and cognitive brain functions. So…yeah….

I remember sitting in class and just thinking “what the fuck?” as

egotistic and arrogant as it may sound but I thought I was above

all of that. I knew things in life that were too ugly for any

of them to comprehend, I alone was a case that no one from my class would understand, not even my teachers. It doesn’t matter if you have studied it for years, if you haven’t experienced it then you won’t be able to help.  But bless those of you who try to help poor unfortunate souls like us.

Now I know your thinking “Get over it, it’s just a psychology class” but you see here is my problem:

I still remember the goodie tuchu sitting next to me writing all of what was said in class down with a smile on her face, fascinated, no but completely mesmerized from this world that just opened up to her. I think she got off from words like “sexual deviance” and “schizophrenia”. –OMFG THESE THINGS ARE JUST SO OUTRAGEOUS, can you believe that some people actually go through stuff like that? Now I know what I wanna be when I grow up I wanna study nutcases and people with real problems cause l wanna make a difference. My parents are gonna be super proud of me. And I’m gonna be rich since I’m gonna charge these fuckers 100 dollars an hour. THIS ALL IS JUST SO FASINATING!!!!!

My God, imagine the generations and generations that are in that business for those shallow reasons. I even witnessed a girl from the same class who pretended that she was hearing voices just to get attention. If you really were hearing voices I’m guessing you wouldn’t be so calm and telling everyone about it. Guess all that psychology got to her head.

I honestly don’t mean to be rude, but what do these people or most of therapists in this world know about pain? They are only in this business because it’s interesting for them. It intrigues them. But how could you possibly help someone like me?

Now “A word is dead when it is said some say. I say it just begins to live that day. Emily Dickinson, “VI. A word”

All I can say about that is I feel pity for those people. If you want the truth I feel pity AND disgust. BUT WHYYYYYY you ask? Isn’t it obvious? They are blindfolded with a license to drive. Blindfolded and dangerous if you ask me.

“Ultimately aims to benefit society”. The amount of times that I have heard dear friends of mine who suffer from either depression or substance abuse or both tell me how their therapists would tell them that they are ok as long as they take the meds. Or sentences like “Get a puppy”, “work out”, “You’re a hopeless case” and my all time favorite “Enta mafaksh haaga”  just makes me want to cry. “I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder”. So you see it’s either “shut the fuck up and stop complaining about all those bad BAD things your feeling and if you don’t shut up I know just the right meds that will shut you up” or “ YOU ARE CRAZYYYY. Here, have some meds.”

Truth: I am a little bitter maybe A LOT bitter but this bitterness is rooted by jealousy and frustration. Jealousy and frustration from those people who haven’t experienced the abuse and pain I experienced and have the nerve to come and tell me what it is that I have and how to deal with my problem.

Truth: I have never been to a therapist, not even interested to go. I know what they will say. I know all too well.

So...thanks but no thanks.

What is the answer for poor unfortunate souls like us that just seem to interest you so fucking much?

Hopeless cases?

Why can’t we let go of our past? Would you awesome people invent a machine that would erase that period in time that made us the nutcases we are? Or what about those born with mental illnesses? MEDS MEDS AND MORE MEDS!!!!!!!!!!! REPRESS REPRESS REPRESS!!!!! MUUHAHAHAHA IM MAKING A DIFFERENCE IN THIS WORLD. No not even I have the answer of how I should help myself so I seriously doubt that you know but hei….thanks for caring.

It’s one thing to be genuinely interested in the human mind as complicated as it is and another thing to pretend that you care about a tortured soul because their actions and thoughts amuse you.

It's funny (actually excruciatingly painful) how people tend to be so over defensive about themselves that they loose sight of things and hurt those who actually care for them.

i know that i may have done the same thing at some point in my life.

Sometimes we get so caught up in our emotions that we become BLIND. Blind when it comes to the view of people on us, blind to what the person involved thinks of us, blind to the reality of the situation, blind to the possibility that we could be actually causing hurt to someone, blind that we could be causing hurt to our selves..

But is that necessarily a bad thing?

Now we have all been hurt before whether it's by family, your old school friend, a new friend or someone you had feelings for and yes how you deal with that whether by choosing to get over it or carry it with you until your adult life says a lot about you, but seriously i don't understand what's the DEAL!

Why does life have to be so complicated? you know why?.... because whether you want to admit it to yourself or not you DO care!!  and YES you try your best to protect yourself and try your best to move on even if it means cutting off all communication with that person or personS.

But as i was saying, the extent that a person goes to protect themselves, their feelings, their view about themselves by themselves and the view of others of them just astounds me.

We act like we are strong, i mean we HAVE to appear that way otherwise we will be eaten alive by those around us (the assumption in our heads). and we act that we don't care and that that specific person or personS have not made a tiny bit difference in our lives when infact the impact was so enormous that we HAD TO FORCE ourselves to PRETEND that that somebody doesn't exist and NEVER did....wow...

It's funny how human beings resort to being stone cold in order not to feel emotional pain anymore but as many of you would say " You learn from the things that happened to you in life, so you have to pay attention and become smarter in order not to feel that type of pain again"... ok i hear what you are saying. But is this really the answer? are you being true to yourself? are you that scared? Is it really worth not feeling anymore? Does "becoming smart" mean to change things in ourselves, our beautiful selves? to actually TAME our pure feelings?

I personally Never "learn" but I would rather feel pain than not to feel anything, but then again i might change my mind tomorrow.

And just to make things clear i am not talking about someone who annoys you so you ignore them i am talking about someone who HURT you, hurt you in a way that you felt it on the surface or in a way that shook your CORE.

So what i am trying to say...is that forgive me, forgive me but i had to protect myself, if only you knew the kind of pain i have suffered, if only you have walked a mile in my shoes, then you would understand. If i hurt you i am sorry, it was never my intention and the only way you could live your life normally is by pretending that i don't exist and in at some point i had to resort to this as well. (I am not talking about a specific person)

And another IMPORTANT thing that i am trying to say is... don't judge. DON'T judge!, don't be afraid to tell someone you care about, that YOU CARE, THAT YOU LOVE THEM, THAT THEY MADE AN IMPACT IN YOUR LIFE!

Try to understand that the person close to you or just merely even NEXT to you, has feelings, they have lived life, felt pain , lost someone they love, had dreams that weren't full-filled , laughed and cried. Understand that it's a possibility that one day you may not exist to this person anymore or that one day THIS person may not exist to you anymore.